When Love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you, believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as Love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
He assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast. All these things shall Love to unto you that you may know the secrets of your own heart.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses nothing, nor would it be possessed. For Love is sufficient unto Love.
When you Love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.” And think not you can direct the course of Love, for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
-(parts of) ‘Love’ by Kahlil Gibran
I saw Clayton yesterday. Today would have been our 5-year wedding anniversary. And although my stomach was in complete debate mode over the thought of being in his presence again, I’m glad it happened. Really, really glad. It ending up being one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. There was laughing, crying, hugging, happiness, sadness, regretting, forgiving, and gushing over the new. It never once felt painful or awkward. It was honestly like something out of a movie. Like a bittersweetly heartwarming ending to a romantic comedy. It was how a Bon Iver song makes you feel when you listen to it. And as I walked away from him, my heart was pounding and a smile was beaming from my face. I was in awe of how healing it was…to see each other and to know that we are both okay. That we are both incredibly proud of the other. That we are both rooting for each other with all the adoration in the world.
If it were not for the hard and steep, the wounds, the shattered dreams, the crucifying and root shaking…I would not be who I am today. Today my heart aches over the loss, but it is simultaneously overjoyed because of what I gained through that Love. It grew us, pruned us, and refined us. Where I once wanted to curse that Love for the ways it hurt, from a place of wholeness I can now say that it formed me and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I am unendingly grateful for the Love that directs my course and for the years that course was with Clayton.
I think this ^ sums it up. Keep going. Everything is going to be alright 🙂